When you are born you have a lot of celebration of firsts.
When you first sit-up on your own, roll over, sleep through the night, crawl, walk, eat baby food, eat table food, talk, etc
Your first birthday is a huge milestone followed by turning 5. Attending kindergarten and the big school.
Your sweet 16. Turning 18 and graduating high school then college.
You get a drivers license and if you are lucky a car you don’t have to share or be a taxi.
You get an apartment. You ruin your credit. You rack up debt. You realize being an adult sucks and it was a setup and you don’t always feel fully prepared.
Then one day life gives you the worse blow ever, life snatches a loved one. Then you have a whole different set of firsts.
Those first holidays. Those birthdays. Those milestones you wanna share but they are no longer there. You share with others but it’s not the same. You try and channel their voice and what they would say, but damnit it is not the same.
You work through your grief. You try to keep life normal as it once was. But let’s face it’s not the same. Life is different. There is a WHOLE person missing.
If you’ve been following me, you know my mama passed away March 31, 2018.
My life has not been the same since and it never will be the same.
There are days I come falling to my knees in a heap of tears like it just happened.
There are days I can laugh and be happy.
There are days where I am irritated and frustrated, where is all the love and support now. Don’t you know I’m still hurting. Don’t you know I’m not better. Don’t you know I still miss my mama so much it physically hurts. Don’t you know I’m afraid for what lies ahead because she’s not here to share it. Don’t you know I have to grieve for myself and my child.
There are days I’m happy and laugh.
There are days I wanna give up and not feel anymore.
There are days I lean on God and there are days I hate God.
Life keeps moving on whether I want it to or not.
We took our first vacation since moving to China.
We went to Malaysia.
First 3 days I struggled to leave the hotel grounds and explore. Not because I didn’t want to but who was I gonna call? Who was gonna be happy about the pictures?
I would get to the airport and call my mama and tell her “hey we are at the airport about to broad, call you when we land”
Didn’t call a soul. I’m not even sure who knew of our plans. We even traveled business class for the first time ever. I called no one.
When we land I would text her in the runway ” we just landed” and she would respond “thank God” I don’t care what time I texted she would immediately respond “thank god” I know on some level she worried about us traveling and making it out destination safely. She also knew I was safer in the air than on the ground.
When I landed in Malaysia I texted no one. Checked in to our hotel in silence. Mama wasn’t asking me what time it was. I wasn’t snapping pictures and sharing it with her.
My new normal was me moving in silence. My new normal was watching my daughter smile and be happy.
I finally went and had a massage along with a mani and pedi. I haven’t done these things since I left Kuwait and my body was tense and stressed. I left the massage table feeling like new money.
Elise hung out at the pool like she usually does
I, well I tried to ignore my issues.
I tried to keep a smile on my face so Elise wouldn’t pick up on my emotions.
But the string was slowly snapping and I was going to collapse under the weight of this new normal and pretending I’m okay.
We went to the theme park. We were walking along enjoying ourselves and all of a sudden my heart is racing way too fast for my liking. I go stay by a pool to catch my breath. I can’t seem to calm down. We walk a little towards the shade and all I wanna do is cry
I want my mama. Why are you people happy and enjoying life? Don’t you realize there is a WHOLE person missing from this world? There’s someone missing from my world and it will NEVER be the same.
How is this fair? She’s no longer in pain but I am in pain almost daily and the pain won’t go away.
While Elise plays in the water. I sit and cry.
While the world keeps on living and moving.
I sit and cry because I miss my mama. I want her here. I want to share this with her. I want her to see Elise will find water I don’t care what country we are in, she will find water and will play.
The worst thing ever. Housekeeping broke my MacBook I am near tears. Anyone who has ever owned a MacBook know my frustration. One I purchased this stateside so any insurance I have is only good stateside. Apple will charge me an arm and a leg. I take it next door to the mall and pray for an easy fix. Nope not gonna happen. He’s like you need a new one. Sir that’s not an option. Fixing this ain’t even in the budget but I need my MacBook.
300 USD later it’s fixed. The hotel is not responsible or liable but they will talk to housekeeping.
Lesson: keep your valuables up
Philippines on deck.
Not to say I didn’t enough Malaysia but I definitely was happy to be in the Philippines
Arrive at the hotel and I’m greeted by hotel staff by my name. Okay I see you pimping. Get to the desk greet by name again and they are all ready for me to check in. The smoothest check in of my life.
Get to my room and I am happy with the accommodations
I am not one to recommend places but look if you are ever in Manila please check out Sofitel Philippine Plaza Hotel.
I will leave them a glowing review.
We did not see not one sight. I wanted to relax and hang out poolside and Bay side.
I did get a massage and it was heaven.