So yeah….

I’ve been silent for a while. I am not myself and I am basically going through the motions of life. That’s just life. When you lose a parent you lose a piece of yourself you just don’t get back. I try to live but bottom line it hurts and it hurts in ways I can’t even begin to explain.

I don’t talk about it because if I hear one more cliche I am going to scream.

I truly get it, everyone’s heart is in the right place but I really want to yell shut up.

Yes I am grateful that I have my memories. Yes I know she’s not in pain anymore. Yes I know she fought a good fight. Yes I know she is always with me. Yes I know she’s in a better place. Yes I know she is proud of me.

But can’t I still be sad and miss her. Can’t I still cry my eyes out. Can’t I be in pain because my mama is gone and she won’t ever come back. Can’t I still want to pick up the phone and call her. Can’t I want to go home and visit her. Can’t I be happy and sad at the same time.

My mourning and grief did not end at the funeral. I didn’t say okay she’s buried now I can go back to my life as if it’s all over.

No I walk around every day missing her so much it hurts. I walk around hiding my pain because no one around me knows what it is like to lose a parent, especially not their mama. I walk around listening to other people talk about their mama and die a little more on the inside. I avoid family like the plague because they remind of what and who is missing. I am afraid to go home because she is no longer there and I no longer have a home. I don’t post on Facebook much because I am not myself anymore.

March 31, 2018 changed me in ways I can’t even begin to explain and I hate it.

I try. I really do. I look at my daughter and I try for her. I look at myself and I try for me.

As soon as o think I’ve got a hang of things BAM I’m knocked back down and I gotta start all over again.

I am not writing this for sympathy. I’m writing this to help someone else who may be struggling like I am. Honest to God you are not alone.

I am in a Facebook group of men and women who have lost their mothers and we are ALL trying to find the normal without our mamas.

It’s hard and it sucks. It never gets any easier. Holidays are hard. Birthdays are hard. Mondays are hard. 2:00pm on Fridays are hard. EVERY SINGLE DAY that we are alive and reminded our mama is not here is hard.

We smile and laugh. We live. We eat. We sleep. We travel. We cry. We scream. We get up each day and try again.

I am finally brave enough to have this in the living room where I see it daily.

I’m making some changes in my life not only for me but for my mama.

I owe her so much and I won’t waste away doing nothing with my life but existing.

I won’t ever be the same Melissa don’t look for her anymore I will be a different version of myself hopefully a little wiser.

Yet another change

Okay so I have been pretty quiet about this most recent change. Mainly I did not want to deal with all the questions. I still want to deal with all the questions.

Let’s put it like this, it didn’t work out at the last school. Period. The end. Stick a pin in it. If I didn’t personally tell you the details you won’t get details. I didn’t even make the blog I wrote public.

So anyways……

July 3, 2019 was the last working of school.

July 15th I moved to my new city and new flat.

July 17 I walked to my new school to begin new teacher settling in things.

Let me compare the cities

First off I will say this a city will make or break your time in China. Just like a school will make or break you. Just like your accommodations.

1. The first noticeable difference was the railway station. It made sense. No one was pushing and shoving. People were lining up in an orderly fashion to exit.

2. It was quiet. I didn’t hear horns honking every 30 seconds.

3. E-bikes… I could walk and not be concerned about being run over by one

4. I could breathe and not inhale cigarette smoke. They were still smoking but it wasn’t noticeable

5. I swear it looked and felt cleaner. Not that the air still polluted but the city itself looks cleaner.

6. High rise apartments are out of control. I live on the 34th floor…why?

7. I wasn’t stared at. They still looked but it was more like hey we got new black family vs hey look black people we have never seen one of those let’s look awkwardly at them.

Pretty sure my apartment is bigger compared to the last one.

The school is smaller. Which honestly I like better something about a campus the size of a university is just not good. I like that I could actually learn all the students names. I at least know most of the staff by name if not I know most faces.

Big picture and biggest takeaway from all of this: I learned what I want and don’t want. I also learned I’m old and need stability.

To Be Continued…