I was unable to finish my last post

https://elizabeth8199.com/2019/03/31/when-tragedy-strikes-part-2/ read here and here https://elizabeth8199.com/2018/03/31/when-tragedy-strikes/ to kinda catch up

It has been four year since my world was turned upside down. I am finding the month of March being super hard for me. Well it starts at my birthday. I would have never known my 37th birthday would have been the last time I heard my mama say happy birthday. March 24th I relive those seven days one agonizing day at a time. I knew life was fragile and short. I lost my dad when I was 16. I knew to cherish every moment you have and love those you love while you can. BUT NOTHING can fully prepare you. When you hear hospice you think…let me rephrase that when I heard hospice I heard “you have time to prepare and transition” In reality I was in denial. I remember sitting on the couch minding my business and my mama hands me a brochure for caskets…..WHOA LADY!!!!! She said she wanted to plan her funeral when Chris came home…. WHOA LADY!!!!! You are fine everything is fine. We are fine.

The lies I told myself. I just needed my mama to be fine. I was not ready. She had made peace with it all and that is purpose of Hospice to help the family to make peace. Kinda hard to make peace when my mama was sitting up talking, laughing, being her normal self life nothing was wrong.

I don’t think you can really prepare and accept death when it happens. When she lost consciousness I knew what happening in that moment but it didn’t click until I had to look at my child the next morning and tell her. I knew there were things we had to do and people we had to call but it just didn’t make a whole lot of sense.

I am gonna try to finish the story.
We helped her out the bed and I remember saying “Chris I have dead weight” and all three of us kinda sitting on the floor. She was in and out of consciousness and then she just didn’t wake up. I kept saying breathe. I don’t know it I was talking to her or myself. Mama you are fine, we are fine. I call 911 and the hospice nurse. The hospice nurse is 45 minutes to an hour away. EMT are on their way. 911 is telling us how to perform CPR. Mama had a DNR in place so we just listened to the steps. Chris is a registered EMT so he knew what to do. The ambulance comes and we are like DO NOT WAKE THEM KIDS!!! They did not see nor hear any of this. They call it at 1:55 am. That is a night I will never forget. Those are images I will never forget. I was not ready.

Now here I am four years later angry and hurt. Sad and confused. Blessed to have memories and knowing I had an amazing mother who loved me, provided for me and laid and excellent foundation. Grief is not linear. You never really fully stop grieving you just learn to move forward with it. I carry her and my daddy with me daily. I wish they where here to see me and keep guiding me. I wish Elise knew my daddy. I wish I had more time with both of them.