Teaching has never been an easy career. We are tasked with educating the future. Students come to us from various backgrounds, cultures, learning levels… you name it we have seen it, heard it, and taught it. So why is 2021-2022 school so hard?
Titanic has finally hit the iceberg, that’s why.

Listen educators have been saying for YEARS, DECADES!!!!! that there is a problem. Remember in the movie when they saw iceberg but it was too late….well this is literally Titanic hitting that iceberg and the ship sinking.

No one wanted to listen us when we told y’all this was problem. No wanted to listen when we said things have got to change.

We asked y’all for more guidance counselors, smaller class sizes, increase in pay, administration support, less state mandated testing, more resources, but what we got was a hearty pat on the back a retention bonus that was taxed and random early release days.

The paradigm has shifted. Children are coming to us with so much trauma and lack of parental support. Schools, teachers are asked and almost demanded to raise our students on top of educating them. This issue goes deeper than education. This is an American problem where EVERYONE has to work and in order to work someone has to take care of the kids. When women were burning bras wanting to work outside the home….hello consequences. As cost living goes up but pay does not….hello consequences. 40 hour work week…..hello consequences. No one is home to help lay the foundation that children are supposed to come to school with. Curriculums are created with the idea that students are coming to school starting with the same foundation and have the same support at home. Ha joke is on them.

Students are coming to school with no foundational skills or various amounts of foundation skills. Picture it.
Kindergarten classroom with 28 kids no teacher assistant or para educator. These 28 kids are in a classroom built designed and created for 15 kids. 15 of those students are not native English speakers 3 of the non native English speaker do not speak any English. 5 students will have documentation started for IEPs or 504s. 20 students will not have family support at home. 3 students are above grade level. 8 are on grade level. 17 are below grade level. 25 students have never been to preschool.

Teacher is handed a curriculum that says review the 26 letters of the alphabet because students should already be able to identify the letters so we won’t spend a lot of time actually teaching letter ID, we have to focus on letter sounds. Remember those 17 students that are below grade level, they cannot identify the letters of the alphabet. Only 11 students can. 3 students are ready to read because they know their letter sounds. Somehow the teacher is supposed to differentiate the instruction to reach all 28 students, this is usually done in small groups. Teachers can only conduct small group instruction if students can independently work. Guess what students are unable to do….work independently. Those students who are being monitored have behavior problems that disrupt learning and other students. Those students who are below grade are frustrated because they do not understand and sometimes cause disruptions out of frustration. Two students have extreme behavior challenges which creates an unsafe learning environment. The teacher is constantly dealing with the behavior challenges. Students are ushered off to lunch and recess. The teacher spends that time making copies and documenting the challenges so far. Math instruction does not get any better. Now the behavior challenge is throwing supplies and turning over chairs and tables screaming and yelling. Administration is called. Student is removed. The teacher and the other students have to regroup themselves to move forward in their day. 10 students are now hungry but no snack time and the end of the day is two hours away. The student that was removed is returned to class. Someone stays and sits with the student for 30 minutes. Now it is time to pack up and go to specials. The students are ushered to their specials class. The teacher documents what happened with the student. Uses the bathroom and maybe grab a candy for lunch. This was a calm day compared to other days. There was no time to plan. Barely time to eat. Little administration support because this is not the only class with behavior challenges.

Once upon a time, there was maybe ONE student in the entire building that created havoc and terror that destroyed property, hitting, kicking, screaming. Now we have at least one student per class. There is only ONE guidance counselor and if you are lucky she is full time at your school and not part-time where you share her with another school or those guidance counselors that are split between three or four schools. The school psychologist is shared between a cluster of schools.

Once upon a time, you could actually plan during your planning period. Now you are in meetings or documenting, returning phone calls, answering emails, hunting down admin for support, making copies, sitting in the room with the lights off trying to hold yourself together.

Parents are only showing up to complain about things that are out of our control. We cannot masks mandates. We cannot control what curriculum is being used. We cannot control another student flipping tables and chairs. We cannot control CRT. We cannot control being quarantined. We cannot control decisions made by the board of education. We just show up and do the job we are told to do.

No one trusts us to our job which is why education has finally hit the iceberg. Ladies and gentlemen get ready for the robots to start teaching your students. When I say robots, I am talking about warm bodies. You will not have people in classrooms who actually care and are willing to spend money out of their pockets to make the classroom warm and inviting and supplement the curriculum. They are going to teach word for word from the teacher editions. They are going follow a script that was handed to them and not know how to adjust, adapt, or differentiate for various needs. They are going to leave faster than the current teachers because they are not invested. Think about the long term effects of this.

Parents we need your help and support. Teachers are not the ones in charge. Our children are suffering. We want to do what is right and best for our children but we cannot without parent support. Please start raising hell about things that matter long-term.

As teachers we have been the brunt of ALL things wrong in education. We understand and know that we make NOT ONE decision. When they hold those board meetings and make decisions…do you see a current teacher represented? NOPE! How many of those board members are even educators? How many have children in the district at a low performing school or a Title 1 school? How much money does your superintendent make? Teachers are NOT to blame for what is happening in education. We are merely pawns. We are trying to make the best out of a horrible situation and we are tired.
Now with that said let me tell you who is really to blame: FAMILIES!!!!

Parents this falls on you. If you are not supporting your child at home this is for you.

You cannot expect teachers to do EVERYTHING!

Teachers should not be expected to do EVERYTHING!!

Children should NOT ever come into an elementary school classroom not knowing ANYTHING. Families are fussing and hollering about masks and CRT…SHUT UP!!!! If you do not have that same energy about classroom sizes, mold in buildings, curriculums that are outdated or not researched based, teachers buying their OWN supplies and resources, underfunded schools and classrooms, rezoning districts to keep money in the richer areas and keep the poorer schools poor…then SHUT UP!!!! If you are not advocating for more resource teachers such as ESOL and SPED and counselors….SHUT UP!!! If you have not thanked a teacher or joined the PTA or ensured your child has books at home…SHUT UP!!!

Every year we have children come into our classrooms knowing less and less. We have children who are not capable of following rules or understanding consequences. We have children who lack fine motor skills like holding a pencil to even access the curriculum. If your child cannot hold a pencil, they cannot write and guess what we write in school full blown sentences. Tablets are great but so are crayons, markers, pencils and regular paper. Tearing paper great for fine motor. Cutting with scissors great for fine motor. Your six year old should not fist grasp their pencil. Your seven year old should know how to write their name. For Pete’s sake they should at the very least say the alphabet to know how to find a letter. They should at the very least count to ten. Hell they have ten fingers and ten toes. Exposure is key. If you child comes to elementary school with NOTHING but game knowledge, sorry folks your kid is the low kid.

There are so many resources out here at your disposal as parents enough is enough. I am no longer here for the excuses.

I am not Jesus to be performing miracles every school year. It is exhausting. Our job is getting harder and harder every year because of the demands from families, the district, the state, the nation….see how I have named the adults. Our students come to us wanting us whole and ready and by day 5 I am pouring from an empty cup. My cup was empty day 3 if I’m being honest.

Help us help you help your child.

Teach them their real name…day 1 we do not always know the nickname or even the preferred name.

Teach them to recognize their name…we label everything so they know where their personal belongings go.

Teach them how they will go home….dismissal is a madhouse first day of school and the more your child knows the better.

Teach them the rules of conversation….when someone is talking you are quiet to listen….when you are talking we are quiet so we can listen

Teach them to count and recognize their numbers….when my math curriculum says write they need to know how to write

Teach them their alphabet and recognize the letters in the alphabet….the more they know the better

Read. Read. Read. Just expose them to books for Pete’s Sake the library is free.

If we have to teach academics and social skills. Life skills. We might as well claim them on out taxes. We fed them and keep extra food to make sure they are not hungry. We keep extra hats, jackets, clothes because guess what some kids are not dressed properly. Only thing missing from schools are beds and showers.

Help us. Help you. Help your child.

There is a teacher shortage and pay is not the only reason.

This is our last LONG holiday before summer break. We have two weeks off for Chinese New Year. I did not want to go somewhere cold and I really did not want to fight jet lag for most of the trip nor when we returned. Originally we were going to Singapore and Japan. Yeah that changed quickly once I realized it would be cold in Japan. It was already cold in China where I stay. Cold wether clothes weighs your luggage down. So I started pricing Bali.

Villas, Villas everywhere.
First you gotta decide do you want to be in city center or not. Bali is small but huge at the same time. I didn’t want to be bothered so I opted for outside of the city center. We stayed in Lovina Beach area which is North Bali. I regret nothing. The trip from the airport was 3 hours. Again I regret nothing.

Going through customs was long. We gotta do better about this a whole. You spend so much time in customs. Most of it is just standing in line waiting your turn. Then all that waiting…guess what still waited on our luggage. Then you need cash IMMEDIATELY! Look I live in a cashless society. I don’t know what the currency looks like most times. I just scan a QR code and BAM transaction complete. I really need the rest of the world to level up and the hackers to level down. I understand as long as there are hackers a cashless world will not be possible.
Anyways my Chinese union pay card was useless as I figured it would be so thank goodness I have my PNC card. Look even that was a hassle because it was a debit/credit card and the ATMs were being picky and complex. Finally I said enough I’ll just ask the driver. Bless his heart he took me to two different ATMs before I was able to finally draw some cash. It was late and we needed to eat. We stopped for snack and a SIM card.

– let me pause right here and discuss SIM cards. Now you are more than welcome to roam and use your American cell phone service. I was even roaming with my Chinese cell phone service. However I am not about that life for two weeks. I wanted fast and reliable internet. I also don’t want any surprises when my bill arrives. I don’t want any issues when I return to China and need to add money to my account. So I purchase a local SIM. It’s easy, simple and straight to the point. I don’t have to worry about roaming charges nor do I have to worry about not having service. Make sure your phone is unlocked or it won’t matter that local SIM will not work. Contact your cell phone provider to get more information about unlocking your phone. I know Verzion no longer locks their phones. T-mobile (which I have) give you free data at 2G speeds. I don’t need that drama in my life. Phone calls are .20 cents a minute. I think text messaging is free. Again I grab a SIM before I leave the airport or right outside the airport. I have an iPhone that has two physical SIM card slots. I pop out my Chinese SIM and insert the local SIM still having access to my US T-mobile SIM. Simple and easy. Better than those days when I carried two phones. That was a pain but whatever.

We drove through the mountains of Bali and about 8 minutes left of the trip I got nauseous and was gonna throw up in this man’s car. If you have ever driven or road through the mountains, it is a bumpy, curvy and hilly ride. I couldn’t handle much more. Thank God for peppermint. I grabbed some peppermint gum and my peppermint oil dabbed some in my face mask and I made it to the villa.

VILLA NYOMAN (http://villanyoman.com) I booked via airbnb.com

we arrived at this ungodly hour…it was like 10:30pm but for me that is bedtime. Anyways. We were greeted with smiles, a cold face cloth and a cold homemade drink. Don’t remember the name and didn’t take a picture.

They handed me a cellphone (an old Nokia looking phone) to use while here to contact them if no one was at the desk or I just didn’t feel like leaving the comforts of the villa. They showed us around the villa. 3 bedrooms. 3 bathrooms. Private pool. Sitting area outside for the pool and to eat. Sitting area inside with a TV. A full kitchen if I wanted to cook or if I wanted the staff to cook. Groceries not included. We settled in for the night.

The first two days we did NOTHING. Elise swam and I sat and read a book. Food was delivered to our villa and we ate outside. We have yet to go to the restaurant area on the grounds.

BALI ADVENTURE TREEPARK

I have zip lined in Bali and I am good on never doing that again. Elise wants to go again but we gotta do that in another country.

WATERSPORTS

I parasailed in Bali. Elise attempted knee boarding and she rode on this thing called a flying fish.

UBUD

I have seen monkeys and elephants in Bali. Bali was good to me and would come back. We were meant to ATV but after the swing we were done and wanted to leave. We learned how silver jewelry was made. Yeah okay. Tried to hustle money out me at the gallery and the artist place. I’m good love.

The Swing

look this was a WHOLE setup. It was beautiful, yes. BUT lord it was hot and crowded. I was over it after the first photo. I did not dress up. It was HOT! people were dressed up and people weren’t. The place I went to offered lunch and a photographer. You have unlimited time, unlimited photos. I will go back when it’s cooler. I’m not gonna be out here sweating and looking fly. I gotta pick a struggle.

THE WEATHER

It was hot and sticky. It rained but never for longer than an hour.

The People

They were amazing and friendly. They were kind and their hospitality was amazing. I live in China. I don’t experience these kinds of things on a daily basis. Being in Bali made me miss the Middle East.

BUGS, INSECTS OH MY

Look suck it up they have creepy crawlies. I’ve seen more ants, spiders, and on my lizards to last me a life time. Oh yeah and mosquitos. I forget these things exist in warm climates and all these trees.

Overall

Bali is an untapped land where they still have rice fields, spice fields, coffee fields, cocoa fields. They have local cuisine with a splash of western cuisine. I enjoy visiting countries that DO NO resemble the west. I hope it stays that way.

Are you uncomfortable yet? GOOD. When you are uncomfortable you look for solutions. When you are uncomfortable to want to make things better.

Black people have been uncomfortable for 400 YEARS!!!!! We have been fighting for our right since we were slaves. We have been fighting for justice since slavery.

How on earth do you go over to a foreign land and STEAL people????? Not only do you steal them, you strip them naked and sell on the slave block like cattle. You sell human beings!!! Let that sink in. Nothing about slavery was happy and joyous for black people. There have been enough movies and books about this that portray this INHUMANE treatment. You separate families. You rape our women and get them pregnant and you are nice enough to put your offspring to work for you in the big house never acknowledging that is your whole ass child. You beat us for running away. You tell us we are not your equal. You tell us we are not human but PROPERTY. You attempt to beat us into submission and oppress us with your lies. You made us take your names because our names were too hard to pronounce or didn’t make sense to you. Some of us, most of us cannot even trace our families because you didn’t keep accurate records and you changed our names. We don’t even know our own damn history because you stole us and re-wrote our history to make yourselves comfortable.

You went to WAR to keep comfort. You went to WAR when you were made to feel comfortable and people called bullshit on slavery and told you it’s INHUMANE. You divided a whole nation because you were uncomfortable. You divide a nation that was built on the back of stolen people on a land that you stole. You did not take the time to understand people who do not look and act like you. You called them savages and told them their culture and way of life was inappropriate.

You see the correlation yet? Are you uncomfortable yet?

Then you lost the WAR and were set “free” with nothing!! Free to do what live like normal folks? How? You told us not read and write? You stripped us of native language and culture. We went out into this world YOU created and were not treated fairly or equally. You saw a slave. You saw an ignorant person not worthy. We were worthy enough to be your maids and take care of your children. We were worthy enough to be your chef and cook your meals. We were worthy enough to wash your dirty clothes. We were worthy enough to keep your yard neat. We were worthy enough to do the domestic work. We were worthy enough to do the work you did not feel worthy enough to do yourself. So we took your crumbs but underneath that mask we couldn’t breathe. We began to educate ourselves. We taught ourselves how to read and write. We learned about your constitution that wasn’t written for us but we wanted the same rights. We were granted the right to vote but actually being able to vote became a challenge and remains a challenge today with voter suppression. You keep giving crumbs and get mad when we choke or ask for more.

We educated ourselves and we bettered ourselves. We were doing good. Life was looking up for us then here come Jim Crow laws. Are you serious????? Purposeful systemic oppression because you were uncomfortable with our gains in the world.

Jim Crow laws were a collection of state and local statutes that legalized racial segregation. Named after a black minstrel show character, the laws—which existed for about 100 years, from the post-Civil War era until 1968—were meant to marginalize African Americans by denying them the right to vote, hold jobs, get an education or other opportunities. Those who attempted to defy Jim Crow laws often faced arrest, fines, jail sentences, violence and death (https://www.history.com/topics/early-20th-century-us/jim-crow-laws)

246 years of slavery wasn’t enough. You added another 100 years of oppression. 346 years of systematic oppression.

The legal system was stacked against black citizens, with former Confederate soldiers working as police and judges, making it difficult for African Americans to win court cases and ensuring they were subject to black codes. (https://www.history.com/topics/early-20th-century-us/jim-crow-laws)

Enter the KKK. WHITE PEOPLE violence. WHITE PEOPLE protesting. WHITE PEOPLE vandalizing. WHITE PEOPLE keeping us in the box they are comfortable with. How dare we educate ourselves. How dare we try to be human beings. How dare we make white people uncomfortable. How dare we rise out of ashes like a phoenix. How dare we ask for what every other human is allowed to have. We have the CIVIL RIGHTS ACT to end segregation. We have the VOTING RIGHTS ACT to allow us the right to vote without hinderance. We have the FAIR HOUSING ACT to allow to rent and buy homes without discrimination.

But at what point do the minds of people change and become okay with black people being treated fairly. We didn’t ask to be here. We follow the rules, cross our T’s and dot our I’s. We wear a mask to make you comfortable all the while you have your knee on our neck and we can’t breathe. We take one step forward in the right direction to be accepted in this country that you STOLE and STOLE us to build this land and you keep creating rules, laws, and systems to keep us oppressed.

You told us to straighten our hair to make you comfortable. We did by damaging our hair to the point it made us physically sick. You told us we were too dark and some of us bleached our skin. We dressed in a manner that made you comfortable. We spoke in a manner that made you comfortable. We lived in houses that made you comfortable. We wore our mask to make you comfortable with your knee on our neck and not breathing. We played your games and danced your dances. Being an athlete makes you comfortable. You have no problem cheering for us as we win your games and play your sport. We can act in movies and TV shows as long at content makes you comfortable. We have limited our abilities and skills to make you comfortable. After a while that mask became heavy. After a while we couldn’t hide the fact that we are uncomfortable in the skin we are in to make you uncomfortable. After a while we got tired and those bread crumbs you were handing out was not enough.

You need to be uncomfortable. You need to confront your prejudices and stereotypes and racisms. You need to see the flawed systematic oppression that we are experiencing. You need to check your privilege. You need to hold yourself accountable for the silent role you have played. To be silent means you have indirectly taken a side. When folks didn’t vote that nonvote went to the other person. It is the same concept. When you are silent you are agreeing with the other side.

To understand the anger and frustration and rage, you are going to be uncomfortable looking at the reason. When a people are anger they react to the final straw. We didn’t just wake up angry. This is years of built up anger. This is about 400 YEARS!!!!! Check the history that you didn’t learn in school. Schools won’t teach you 400 years of oppression because that makes it uncomfortable and they have to keep us in the box to stay comfortable.

It is time to be uncomfortable. It time to tackle the systematic oppression We aren’t here to comfort you or make this comfortable for you. We are taking our masks off. Either you are with us or not. No more sugar coating the injustice. No more taking crumbs. It’s time to have some hard and uncomfortable conversations . Are you willing to listen and comprehend? Are you uncomfortable enough to make a change? We cannot and will not go back to how things were. 400 years is enough.

In the midst of a global pandemic, black people in America are facing their own pandemic…. racism, inequality, social injustice, systematic oppression. 400 years and 10 months worth of oppression.

My great grandmother was a slave. That’s 3 generations ago.

It’s 2020 and we are STILL fighting for equality.

We have watched and listened. We have silently protested. We have held in our anger. We have held in our rage. We have worn our masks to make folks comfortable while making ourselves uncomfortable. We are tired. George Floyd was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

What makes George Floyd so different? Why now? Whelp white america couldn’t justify his murder. He complied. He was in handcuffs. He was laying face down. There wasn’t a call for well what happened before. What did he do prompt this. NOT A DAMN THING. America watched for 10 TEN MINUTES while this murderer had his knee on his neck. George Floyd died around 3-4 minutes into the video but this filthy murderer kept his knee on his neck.

We have been telling white america for YEARS!!!!! DECADES!!!!! 400 years that the system is damaged. Black people know the system ain’t made for us. But NOW 400 years later you see how it ain’t made for us.

We have to pass laws to not be discriminated for NATURAL hair. The way our hair grows out of scalp makes white america uncomfortable to the point it not deemed professional. So we DAMAGED our hair to make you comfortable and now we have had enough but NO you keep trying to buy us back in YOUR comfort zone by banning hair styles that we have to protect our NATURAL hair.

Then you have the privilege to say ALL LIVES MATTER as a response to BLACK LOVES MATTER!!!!!!!

How dare you diminish the issue. How dare you ignore and continue to avoid the issue. You are part of the problem.

If all lives mattered we would not need a movement to specify BLACK LIVES MATTER. There is no need for a movement if there is not a problem. To not address the problem doesn’t make it disappear. 400 YEARS!!!!!! We’ve been silent, hoping and praying for better. Voting for better. Demanding peacefully for better. Boycotting for better. Not enough has changed.

The system hands us crumbs to shut us up but it’s not enough. We want the same treated as white people. We want what we deserve as humans. Nobody told you to come and STEAL us from our home to create your home on land you STOLE and then treat us like we aren’t even human. Hell we weren’t even human for 246 years we were property. Then we were 3/5 of a person. For 400 years we have been oppressed and enough is enough. So don’t tell me all lives matter when my black life does not matter to the land of free and home of the brave.

While I’m here for you educators check your beliefs and your attitudes towards OUR children. When you don’t acknowledge them and you don’t celebrate them you are causing psychological harm to them. When they come home we as parents gotta undone the damage you did when we trusted you with our child for 6-7 hours a day. When there aren’t books in your classroom that represent our black and brown children you are causing psychological harm. Don’t sit in there and pity our children because you don’t understand their culture. Don’t sit and post about them on social media shaming parents. You go home clear on the other side of town. Your students don’t ever see you outside of school in their community. However for the 6-7 hours you have them you are leaving a mark on their lives. Are you doing your due justice by providing OUR black and brown an effective education. Or are you at that Title 1 school to have your student loans forgiven and then you bounce after you’ve damaged our children? Are you educating yourself about how to effectively educate OUR children?

Our children are not some damn service product. Get to truly know the students you teach. Stop labeling our children. Stop being so quick to diagnosis them with something because they think different and learn differently. It’s called DIFFERENTIATED INSTRUCTION!!!!! Stop putting our children boxes. Little black boys can be more than athletes. Little black girls can be more than mothers.

While I’m here Martin Luther King jr. and Rosa Parks were not the only people involved with civil rights. Harriet Tubman was not the only slave. Stop learning black history that makes you comfortable. Learn about ALL the things we as black people have done and continue to and don’t always get credit for. Imagine what your lives would be like if we took all our inventions away? If we gotta learn about the Holocaust and all of the damn white history, you can take a moment to learn about BLACK HISTORY!!!!

We are not okay. We are done dying. We can’t breathe. Get your knee off our necks. Say their names. Black lives matter. This more than a movement this is revolution.

If you don’t know what to say to us, then say you don’t know what to say.

January 2020 found the country I live in with a virus outbreak. Over the course of TWO WEEKS mass panic took over. I was on holiday break in Bali. I was not gonna give this issue much thought because I was in BALI. I was not gonna ruin my holiday stressing about what was going on.

However with 3 days left the situation escalated quickly. Emails from work were asking us to return as normally scheduled. Be back by February 3 and self quarantine. School will begin February 17. Stay outside of China or come back became the question I had to answer.
I looked at my bank funds FIRST how long could I really afford to stay out? What happens if I can’t get back into the country? What happens when the money runs out?
I don’t have a ‘home’ in the states. I would have to take myself and my child into other people’s homes until it is okay to return. But when will that be? I know family and friends would let me camp out with them but I HATE LIVING OUT A SUITCASE!!!!! I hate that displaced feeling.
I looked at my child who was slowly going stir-crazy in Bali in the heat. Go figure.

My flight was scheduled to leave 1:30 am January 31. I was to fly from Bali to Hong Kong. From Hong Kong to Shanghai. I was to take a private car from Shanghai to Hangzhou.

I packed enough for two weeks.

It’s crunch time.

I head to the airport.

I am still unsure of what to do.

I look at Elise. I look around me.

We head to the mall. We had LOADS of time to kill. Go to the mall. It rains. I buy two books. We have lunch. I still don’t know what to do. I grab some masks just in case. I look around and all I see are masks and Chinese folks. I’m aggravated just because I don’t know what to do.

Being an adult sucks.

Flight prices were slowing rising.

The city I live in is not highly effected. I can stay inside right?

I get in line to check in for our flight. MASKS EVERYWHERE!!!!!

A calm peace comes over me as I make a decision.

We board our plane.

We are safely back in China in our apartment. Anytime I leave my temperature is checked. I have to wear a mask. Deliveries are being left at the front gate with the guard.

I legit LIVE here. It’s not so simple to just pack up and leave your home. I gotta worry about a dog and a child. Stress cannot control me and my decisions.

I do not regret returning. I have things here I can catch up on that I have been putting off. I am not worried. I have not been contact with NOT ONE SOUL from Wuhan. I couldn’t even tell you where that place in relation to where I am.

SO please take a deep breath and relax. Stop watching the news. Check your sources before contacting me in a panic. I love you all. I am fine. Elise is fine. I came back for my sanity. I did not want to keep hopping countries. I did not want to keep checking in and out of hotels. I did not want to stress and worry my child or myself.

If the US evacuates my city I will get myself and my child on the flight out. Currently they have only evacuated ground zero.

The end of the first week finds my city on “lockdown”

Lockdown definition: an emergency measure or condition in which people are temporarily prevented from entering or leaving a restricted area or building (such as a school) during a threat of danger

Yeah I am not prevented from entering or leaving my apartment complex. They have restricted movement. Meaning I get a pick slip marking how many times I allowed to leave. On the 5th of February it was every two days by the 7th it was twice a week. Only places that are open are grocery stores. I can still order items online and have it delivered to the apartment building and as long as that is allowed, that is what I will do. If I do not need to go outside I won’t.

I send work home to my kids online. Elise completes her work online as well. Cabin fever has not set in yet.

The number of airlines no longer flying in and out of China is growing by the day. The number of countries that will allow me to visit coming from China is also growing by the day.

3 Weeks Later

So it’s been 3 weeks since I returned. Some people have left. Some have stayed. Some are returning. We have stayed put. The city is slowly coming back to life. They implemented a health code via QR code. Basically you answer a few questions and you either get a green, yellow or red QR code that let’s people know if you are healthy, at risk, or sick. If you are wondering the validity of this, there were a few cases of folks who lied and they were discovered. (I think this effects locals because of their ID and being connected to the system better than expats. However our passports get scanned as well when we enter and exit at the airport. The point is don’t think you aren’t being tracked) Any who I was gifted with a green QR code. This means I can enter and exit my apartment complex with no issues. Restaurants are open for delivery only. A few restaurants have opened for dine-in service. You still are required to wear a mask. Stores are slowly opening back up. People are outside walking around the apartment complex. School is still scheduled to re-open March 16 pending government approval and the logistics are figured out about how to return to school and keep everyone safe and healthy. It’s complex. We are still doing online learning. This comes with its own set of problems with slow internet speed when you have a billion people using the same platforms roughly at the same time.

We are relaxing working, watching TV, reading books, doing puzzles, cooking….you know trying not to be bored and go stir crazy. LOL

WEEK 6

School will not start on the 16th. No idea when school will reopen. We are now bored. Things are slowly re-opening with limited hours. The virus is now spreading across the world and things are getting downright ridiculous. I watch the news now even less than before . The numbers are dwindling in China so maybe life will be back to normal sometime in April.
Life will go on.

Okay so I am going on a mini rant and an educational PD.

January 2020 found China faced with a rapidly spreading virus that will become known as the Coronavirus COVID-19. China literally shutdown and everyone was quarantined. It was a mess. Schools were closed and we as teachers were forced and thrown into this online/e-learning world.

Here is my issue I take with this: most schools are not prepared for this. Most teachers have no clue what this looks like. We live in a society where parents are ‘afraid’ of screen time because screen time at home looks a hot ass mess and they think it will apply to schools as well. So when school starts we are told to limit the amount of technology and screen time we use in class and our teaching.

Wait a minute it is the 21st century. Technology is all around us. These kids could probably operate technology in ways I didn’t even know about. Yet you are telling me to keep little Matt engaged and actively learning when all he knows is technology. Yeah okay.

I am a teacher. I am an educator. This means I have enough since, knowledge and wisdom to seek out ways to properly and effectively integrate technology into the classroom without it getting out of hand and it looking like a hot mess. I know how to implement technology to where it is an extension to learning and not a prize for learning. So I won’t turn on YouTube and let the video do the teaching. I won’t download zombies and aliens on the iPad and allow the to play this a reward. I won’t provide unlimited access to the laptop or Chromebook and not check to see what they are doing.

What technology in the classroom looks like: formal instruction.
One we are going over the ground rules. I am explaining how to properly handle the technology. I am explaining what you can and cannot do. I have set up so many teacher/parental controls, you are only allowed on what I say you are allowed. I am monitoring the usage. I am tracking the dates on the apps and websites. They are only on educational sites and apps. Teacher tested, student approved. It aligns with learning goals. It is developmentally appropriate. It is differentiated. I have formally taught a lesson and now I allow to show your learning and take responsibility.

What technology is not: turning on Youtube and letting someone else sing and teach your students. It is not handing over the iPad and say find your name or picture and “play” on the app. It is not opening the laptop/Chromebook and saying you can only access these websites.

We were thrown into online/e-learning at my school. We had not done anything that involved an iPad or laptop. My kids did not have the opportunity to experience learning with technology outside of YouTube, Starfall and ABCya. I had one student I was testing my personal iPad with.
So image telling my parents to download this app so your kid can still learn at home without your support. They were all for it in the beginning, now at week 6 going into week 7….I have about 5% of kids still completing work consistently.

My own child is doing e-learning and lord I am now teaching two grade levels. My personal class and her classes. One teacher has the brains to do a project while the rest are sending trash home as busy work.

With limited resources what can you really do? With the great firewall controlling everything you are limited to what you can actually send home that parents will have access to. I have access because I am a teacher and an expat. So I can help Elise but how can I help my kids? How can I help my kids who are learning a second language and parents are learning a second language as well. I got kids memorizing Eric Carle books to share during our video chats. I got parents telling kids what to say when they are recording themselves reading a decodable book. Not one of my parents are educator to know how to properly assist and support their child at home.

Week 7 will find us adjusting things AGAIN. The parents want this. The parents want that. What about what is best for the kids? What about what is effective learning for the kids? I can upload all the videos in the world but when the great firewall is causing the internet to be slow and when you are limited to what parents actually can access, it becomes frustrating. I can’t have everything translated because that defeats the purpose.

I am frustrated and jealous. I am jealous of those that got time to prep and plan for e-learning. I am jealous of those who will have a smooth transition because they were already implementing things inside the classroom and parents understood what was going on and the students were involved with the technology. I am jealous of those not controlled by the great firewall and can access all the educational websites. This jealously is why I am frustrated because I am not feeling very effective right now. I am frustrated because I am trying but students and parents are not participating.

Something has got to give with the state of education. Project based learning and inquiry units need to become a real thing. Technology needs to be integrated and implemented properly to where it is an extension to learning. Teachers need to be trusted to do their jobs. Parents gotta step up and support and stop complaining. Schools will never look like it did when we were in school. It is time to shift into the 21st century. We are preparing students for jobs that don’t exist yet. We are preparing students to think outside the box, problem solve, and critically think. Yet our classrooms are boxes and lack creativity. Teachers are given boxed curriculums. Limited supplies and resources. Sites like teacherspayteachers should not exist if we are honest with ourselves. Adopt-a-classroom and donors choose should not exist. If we truly valued education we would invest in education and provide unlimited resources to our schools and teachers. We won’t even touch that $250 tax credit. We spend that much in about a week. Professional development needs to improve and go beyond the box and the norm. We cannot expect our kids to rise above when we keep cutting the resources and materials to help them rise above. People who have no educational experience and knowledge and degrees should not be making education decisions. Just because you can read and write does not mean you should be a teacher. We have got to stand up and say enough is enough and take our profession back. The world is at stake. You want digital learners, you gotta provide the technology to allow it. Trust that teachers will not allow it take over the classroom. We know what we are doing and we know how to seek out the support when we don’t.

Transparency

I remember being in the 7th grade with a migraine. Didn’t know that pain had a name. I remember being in the library at school with my head on the table crying my eyes out because of the pain. EVERYTHING hurt. NOTHING helped. NOBODY knew how to help me.

Finally at 16 I remember being on a field trip with my aunt’s daycare and throwing up. Figured it was the McDonald’s I had. Went home and brushed it off. Went for my annual vision exam. Someone hung was amiss. I was sent downtown to MUSC. This can’t be good. I had a field vision test and something else. Results came back…

I had spinal fluid build up pressing in the back of my eyes causing these massive migraines.

Okay now what.

Well we are going to drain the fluid.

How

It’s called a spinal tap. I get an epidural and they get to draining. I remember my aunt being there she worked as a nurse at MUSC. Maybe my mama came down. Don’t really remember. I remember laying in my side facing the wall trying to be as still as possible and as relaxed as possible while they stuck this needle in my back to numb me and stuck another needle in my back to drain the fluid.

Got some meds and went home after the procedure. Okay so my mama was there I couldn’t drive myself back home after that.

For about two good years I had regular headaches.

My mama shared she had headaches up until she was pregnant with me. Look having a baby ain’t the logically sound solution here. Even when I did get pregnant guess who still had headaches.

I continued to have headaches and they continued to monitor the fluid.

At some point in my life I heard of this ear piercing that was supposed to help with headaches. I’ve got 6 holes I was done with piercing my ears and besides it looked like it hurt. So I put that to far back if my mind.

Then one random day in January 2020 I messaged this lady and asked if she did daith piercings even showed her a picture.

Yes we do and we are running a special until the 20th.

Do you have an appointment for Sunday

Yes

Okay see you then

I had a head time locating her but I had to pay in advance so I was gonna find it so help me God. Anyways. I get up to her place and I’m nervous as hell. I was ready to tell her never mind. I even had a headache. I get car sick often. The motion kills me. I remember being car sick as child whenever my dad drove, which was always. So as o got older and living abroad where I rely on taxis I get car sick. Headache nausea I hate it. My last cruise I was sea sick and had to hunt down some Dramamine to survive. Taking off and landing on planes are miserable for me. I keep peppermint oil and gum to help settle my stomach. I keep a supply of headache medicine. Excedrin is about the only thing that works.

I remember when I first got my glasses in 2nd grade having a headache and going to the local fair with that same headache. Miserable.

Back to the story.

She cleans my ear. Squeezes my ear. Sticks my ear and says done.

The hell. She cleans it again until it stops bleeding. Yes it will bleed. She says clean it with sodium. Basically salt water and don’t change it for a month.

It could have been physiological but I swear my headache went away. My ear was sore but that was it. The cold wind hit outside and I almost buckled.

Went to work on Monday. Now to test this cause I can tell you by 10:00 I have a headache.

Went a whole week with no headache.

Got into a taxi no headache.

Rode in a taxi through the mountains of Bali, no headache. I did almost vomit but no headache.

Airplane ride, no headache.

I don’t even have shoulder pain anymore.

Best decision of my life.

If you suffer from headaches I say give it a try. You can always take it out. But I’m a believer.

I’ve been silent for a while. I am not myself and I am basically going through the motions of life. That’s just life. When you lose a parent you lose a piece of yourself you just don’t get back. I try to live but bottom line it hurts and it hurts in ways I can’t even begin to explain.

I don’t talk about it because if I hear one more cliche I am going to scream.

I truly get it, everyone’s heart is in the right place but I really want to yell shut up.

Yes I am grateful that I have my memories. Yes I know she’s not in pain anymore. Yes I know she fought a good fight. Yes I know she is always with me. Yes I know she’s in a better place. Yes I know she is proud of me.

But can’t I still be sad and miss her. Can’t I still cry my eyes out. Can’t I be in pain because my mama is gone and she won’t ever come back. Can’t I still want to pick up the phone and call her. Can’t I want to go home and visit her. Can’t I be happy and sad at the same time.

My mourning and grief did not end at the funeral. I didn’t say okay she’s buried now I can go back to my life as if it’s all over.

No I walk around every day missing her so much it hurts. I walk around hiding my pain because no one around me knows what it is like to lose a parent, especially not their mama. I walk around listening to other people talk about their mama and die a little more on the inside. I avoid family like the plague because they remind of what and who is missing. I am afraid to go home because she is no longer there and I no longer have a home. I don’t post on Facebook much because I am not myself anymore.

March 31, 2018 changed me in ways I can’t even begin to explain and I hate it.

I try. I really do. I look at my daughter and I try for her. I look at myself and I try for me.

As soon as o think I’ve got a hang of things BAM I’m knocked back down and I gotta start all over again.

I am not writing this for sympathy. I’m writing this to help someone else who may be struggling like I am. Honest to God you are not alone.

I am in a Facebook group of men and women who have lost their mothers and we are ALL trying to find the normal without our mamas.

It’s hard and it sucks. It never gets any easier. Holidays are hard. Birthdays are hard. Mondays are hard. 2:00pm on Fridays are hard. EVERY SINGLE DAY that we are alive and reminded our mama is not here is hard.

We smile and laugh. We live. We eat. We sleep. We travel. We cry. We scream. We get up each day and try again.

I am finally brave enough to have this in the living room where I see it daily.

I’m making some changes in my life not only for me but for my mama.

I owe her so much and I won’t waste away doing nothing with my life but existing.

I won’t ever be the same Melissa don’t look for her anymore I will be a different version of myself hopefully a little wiser.

Okay so I have been pretty quiet about this most recent change. Mainly I did not want to deal with all the questions. I still want to deal with all the questions.

Let’s put it like this, it didn’t work out at the last school. Period. The end. Stick a pin in it. If I didn’t personally tell you the details you won’t get details. I didn’t even make the blog I wrote public.

So anyways……

July 3, 2019 was the last working of school.

July 15th I moved to my new city and new flat.

July 17 I walked to my new school to begin new teacher settling in things.

Let me compare the cities

First off I will say this a city will make or break your time in China. Just like a school will make or break you. Just like your accommodations.

1. The first noticeable difference was the railway station. It made sense. No one was pushing and shoving. People were lining up in an orderly fashion to exit.

2. It was quiet. I didn’t hear horns honking every 30 seconds.

3. E-bikes… I could walk and not be concerned about being run over by one

4. I could breathe and not inhale cigarette smoke. They were still smoking but it wasn’t noticeable

5. I swear it looked and felt cleaner. Not that the air still polluted but the city itself looks cleaner.

6. High rise apartments are out of control. I live on the 34th floor…why?

7. I wasn’t stared at. They still looked but it was more like hey we got new black family vs hey look black people we have never seen one of those let’s look awkwardly at them.

Pretty sure my apartment is bigger compared to the last one.

The school is smaller. Which honestly I like better something about a campus the size of a university is just not good. I like that I could actually learn all the students names. I at least know most of the staff by name if not I know most faces.

Big picture and biggest takeaway from all of this: I learned what I want and don’t want. I also learned I’m old and need stability.

To Be Continued…